dreams

you will meet people who wakes up to take down the first snow to show you
you will meet people who thinks of you when they see cute stuffs at the store window 
you will meet people who allows you to talk to them till you drop your phone and fall asleep
you will meet people who can brings out the little girl inside you
you will meet people who makes you feel like you wanna grow old together with
you will meet people who tries to make your dream come true wholeheartedly
maybe, you havent met the person yet
maybe, you missed it
maybe, it is timing
maybe, you need to be braver 

growing up teaches people to be selfish, stay strong or fight for your 'dreams'

admit it
your dreams weren't these dreams .

Another dimension

"One more month ok baby..

I promise to make things clear with her..

I dont care about them 

I just want you 

....for the rest of my life.."

Remember how crazy the love was
how we sneaked out from the windows at 4am 
we didn't sleep we never slept 
we were up all night to talk about stars and dust and things that were unreal 
we skipped school to create memories
we got caught together 
we hid 
we took risk
we played as long as we got along
we laughed for everything and forgot about the world
we exchanged nail polishes 
we shared stuffs
we were different 
we lived for each others' weaknesses
wasnt that the best time of your life?

Did that happen in another dimension?

Why am i stuck here?

Growing up

 What sums up the 21 years i've survived through is that life is pretty interesting. We came to this world that day and we are taught to meet people, a lot of memories are created, feelings and thoughts varied by time, things have been done until this moment...

Me? I have constantly been told to stay family oriented and do the right things for my own sake. I kinda accepted it and began to try and try to become more easy going to follow the flow in some parts of life but sometimes i got distracted by desire, negativity, trend nowadays and the old me. Daddy's saying 'only we have fought through all the bitterness in life and gone through all the downs, what's left will be happiness.'

the waiter told me to make a lot of wishes I closed my eyes and wished for people I love to stay healthy forever, just stay with me. That night was so beautiful but please bear with my greediness I wanted them to come back to celebrate with me, my best friends and lover. I learnt a lot from them, friends always help and inspire me to be better while the boyfriend will always be my second dad. They are the most lovely. Thank you for entering in my life.

21st birthday sounds like a big time. Quite excited for the future, whats next?

...find something that you love and do it every day,

do that for the rest of your life and eventually, the world will change - Macklemore

"i have a theory that i can make my girl more beautiful by being with me." - him

i might not know how, might not know why, but we are beautiful now..

He doesnt leave space for me to overthink at night.
He shares everything with me.
He talks about whats he gonna do for the night.
Then he talks about the next morning schedule.
We dont text much during the day.
We talk about everything before bed.
For the reason of aint-nobody-like-him-kind-of-guy,
I think this guy is cute
I adore him
I love him
and of course,
I miss him.

Thousand miles away,
not only you make her beautiful,
also she's better now, for you.

Indescribable
Irreplaceable
Incorruptible.

x

you worth it

every time we met it felt like the last time.. and its getting stronger the feeling of separation

day by day people come n go sometimes we gotta learn to see who stay for us and be grateful < 3 

you left somebody behind too. its a part of life we can never avoid. being alone is so cool but when someone who's closed to perfect appears and showers you with love and care, that's what a loner had been waited for.

love is so powerful that it makes people cry and smile in seconds. it motivates even lazy ppl to get up for it. it inspired people it changed people and it made people a better ones knowing that they need to stay together with and take care of someone else. it gives people a life, a completed life people have been fighting for, have been eyeing for their future. what's happier than having people you loved around you everyday and making fun of each other, making noises and laughters together and having dinner together?

and there will be someday, someone will make you feel like home.
 


good luck x

To May 2016

Gone through whats written in the post from Its the soul that needs the surgery - pretty hurts by beyonce at college.

I had that written in May 2014. For some reasons, I was reading them old posts words by words and i guess its time to give myself an answer in return to the letter. Except sister has started her cooking class here, the rest of it did not happen i guess.. im graduating in half year time its the happiest thing ever i think i hate school. I study for the sake to get self satisfaction not for the sake to get a cert lol im serious..

and I wasn't in a relationship in 2014 May but yes im now in and its gonna the 'trendy' ldr soon.... that kind of love that brings strong mental and heart connection but not the physical that kind ....

- - - counting down 38 days - - -

[ To May 2016 ]

Graduated after 5 months. Thinking about new room design for the coziest! Came back from aus to visit the boyfriend. Going for work every weekdays and helping out the house as usual. Hearts got fonder and grown up a lil bit bcs im alone now. We gotta wish for the best for our loved one. Doing the right things last. I want us to last. Feeling grateful for such a keeper never stops putting effort to let me know that he needs ..to feed me... hmm and yes, still, I send the family cakes constantly-- to see them all fine.

Started seeing them old friends too,, had some great time and hitting gym has become a big part of my daily routine. Feeling a lil surprised to have stuck with this lifestyle. It's healthy, u know, really... Body, health, soul and mind must be taken care wisely.. for a compassionate life and to reach equanimity. There's a lot more to learn.

Faith x trust + determination

tolerance

Had a sensitive talk with sister during a night drive..

She brought up the word 'tolerance' that i was undeniably threatened by it. I believed most of the unhappiness I ever felt might simply be caused by the fact that i had almost zero knowledge about 'tolerance'.

I took it as the way of my life.  I never felt wrong at all cz they satisfied me most of the time. Things that ever required 'tolerating' will immediately be eliminated.

Now Im feeling sorry because I had never learnt tolerating. I just took up the lesson half an hour ago. Give me some time to practise. I didnt know people could tolerate to smooth things up. Bitter-smiling while writing.. what have i been doing all my life??

After 21 years finally someone who's so much younger than me taught me such lesson called 'tolerance'.

I guess there's still a lot more to catch up with honest people who are willing to educate me more. The real education is priceless. I gotta work things out.

it goes on

i never wanted to hide myself or tried to stay fine for the sake of my ego

im simply not good at talking things out 

i feel things and feelings arent made of words they are invisible, fragile and fade.

how do i tell you all about it

is it virgo or is it some of you get emotional, lost and jump yourself into an extremely worse conclusion sometimes? I did it all the time but lately i started to realise it I wish I controlled it but I didnt. I still acted the same. Thousands thoughts still came across my mind after someone did something 'not as good as i assumed' to me or the attitude of a stranger. It got me so tired. The battle of 'be kind' vs 'fuck it' fights every single day; morning until night; whatever situation it is. Maybe i should see the doctor or i simply need a lover. Someone told me if you pass it through all, its gonna be forever, dont give up. But baby it hurts so bad. One more barrier is here, coming near to my face, the emptiness got a little stronger, soul aches a little bit more every time my mind counts it down uncontrollably. Baby, it hurts so much. I might act weird, I might do crazy things, I might leave all because I want to look ok. Baby it hurts. 

turn your fear into energy

x 

AYJL 19th

The night before..

Lights off. He watched me sang birthday song for him. 

Bae, your eyes were talking I can never forget.

He brought me to try out farquhar. We had it with tea because i promised the parents to watch him not to drink and drive. The opera was said served with macaron but it was pretty intimidating (spot the green thing? yup.) I had cod fish and i love the soba and carrot orange soup blaa 

He let me sneaked into his place at 12 the night before.

Were talking on the phone and I made him opened the windows and he came down we were pretty awkward.

kisses on forehead and tight hugs started then.. 

x

&

Andrew Yap, may things all go in your favor starting now and your wish that the gf starts cooking works. We are gonna be fit (you fat), related, connected, love bendi and looked alike always. 

so bae of him

its the first time we went karaoke together today
we chipped in to get a room
we over spent earlier, i mean me...thats y

he acted such a bae today i cant stop smiling
so sweet maybe its the shadow of Jacob
he knew i would do anything for the sake of Jacob~ cz he kissed my forehead to wake me up the other day so much winnnnnnnnnnnnn *blow you lotsa lotsa kisses to the united states* && the first day we met Jacob rejected all the girls who attempted to carry him but he reached out his hands to me wanted to me carry him omgggggggg..
and bae started to speak like how Jacob does all the time to make me go awww

#loveyoujacob #jacobkissedme #jehjehwaitsyouhere

Bel Air

Nothing makes her happy
That struggle rooted deeply into her soul
Such a haunted century
Patience is fading
Searching for the true past self
Wishing things are still the same
Unfortunately, dreams are meant to stay untouchable from here

Exhale, inhale, and exhale, slowly, breathing them, invisible hopes in and out and smile.
What a tough century.

28/02/15

the day after mommy's birthday vacation.. 

6 years, after 6 years finally, finally we got to see them, touch them, eat at the same table and we hugged, some were holding tears ..me too. We have missed you so much. Everything looked good. We tried so hard to take things funny but we all know this is just a part of human weakness. Nothing is fun here, its just another way to go through this part of lost life. I have never accepted 'stay strong' in my life because i accepted weakness as a part of me and i have no idea what the hell is strong we are just human. So much emotions,  so soft and so fragile. All memories brought up hurts so much, I will never forget those tears in her eyes. I always ask myself why did bad things like this happen to us? Why us? then I never got an answer, never. And, I laughed. They dont know.. I cried so much, I blamed so much, I hated so much. I am just an ordinary girl who wishes to trade something to get those things back but the cruelest murderer is greed. 

- - - -You're killing yourself - - - -

x x

When i say 'I love you', he says 'Thank you"

------- meanwhile my valentine is currently cooking our dinner downstairs ------

Hey valentine,

How awkward to have such valentine who would literally have gone to the florist two days before Feb 14 with his girlfriend and proudly presented to her what color of wrapping papers she probably will be seeing the next two days. Being able to know that someone like you is a dream because we still do our things and we are boring together. That every-Saturday-girlfriend's-place routine is getting so much aww from the groupie. Since the cheesy pasta meal for the first time i got addicted to the way you talk, the things you do and them big eyes. Unpleasant things that i risk us to let you know you began to make things better which surprised me every now and then. "could you just be lil more rational?", the only thing you say to me when i was getting on your nerves sorry bae. The solution to me pms is lovely.

Last time when i saw this {i'll be there for you when you're sad/down} i thought i'll only feel sad bcs of him then why do i need him?? but this never happened when we are together. I say 'im crying' shamelessly idk why and he will call right away and tell me 'let me protect you'. & this fellow dont really hurt me at all. He knows how 'thin' my 'skin' is .. Thats the greatest gift and im so thankful. I knew i can do all this i can handle things without being depending on anybody else all the time but you know there are assholes out there and thats when he will be my hero.

He took videos wherever he went on trip without me. I got distracted by his sweetness. I couldn't focus on places he was trying to show me, i was smiling through the video because of his efforts are always so heart warming and true. && something very important is that he cooks he is a good cook. I cant count the amount of time he ordered me to 'go watch tv and wait i'll cook'. I appreciate his move to slowly let me join in with their family so that he can let me stay in and he will go for football roarrr and there's so much love from them. He poops rainbow in the sky for me every day when i can hear him arrived at the college main door and we go for lunch. He holds my hand while drives as long as the speed is allowed him to do so ><

He got me flowers randomly and he will let the salesperson to take down the bag i want and pay for it without giving me any chances to stop him. He dont talk sweet, when i say 'i love you' he says 'thank you'. whyyyy bae why??? I will sometimes lay on his chest for a while when he is driving cz i want to sniff him yet 9 out of 10 times he wont give any response at all but is ok still love you.

Happy Valentines day, thank you for the dinner and them pretty roses.

T R U S T x F A I T H 

whats worth it

He held my hand so tight while laughed at me when the nurse was poking the needles into my skin today..

He let me sniffed him all the time and he smelled sourly hehe ew..

He talks to me every night and never said he wanted to sleep first until i voiced out.

He made me crazily mad at him.. quite often then he covered things up so fast that i wonder its the love or its his skill 

I can't think of a single issue that has changed over time since the day we met. Them people talked a lot but i chose to believe what i see and how i feel about this. 

we've all grown up 

it has come to a point where 'no' is hard to say, ego is taking over child-liked faith.

what meant to happen will find its way eventually.

"If you love someone, set them free."

---- our first love quote to each other

but sometimes,

 all we want to say is stay.

Suddenly

on a scale of 0 to 10 

0 = birth; 10 = death

you know on scale which number are you standing on right now? you sure?

came across to someone saying "since you are born to this world, just do the thing, bro, you are gonna die hahah" nay not so much of worries actually. Just. Do. It. 

So Im going to do some shit for a few days starting tmrw. Wish me l u c k x o x o 

Motherly Me.

Watching a couple sitting opposite to each other while facing down enjoying to their sushi and ramen 

How amazing people come together, from two families, carry varied background, from different education paths. Their eyes contacted, smiled, clicked and so here they are sitting together; positioning each other their priority and most importantly, part of their lives and all about it.

Dont be forgetful. Love your parents. Remember how happy it was to hold daddy's hand ..

Heard that he's getting married and moving hundred miles away from home. Men from mars women from venus maybe so i can never understand they leave daddy mommy because of their love. Can u dont..or i shall stop feeling motherly all the time, yup.

Most of us think that its cruel to keep animals in the zoo 365 days due to loss of freedom but we never know some of them probably enjoy the low level of fear from being attacked living in the wild, food supply 3 meals a day and the joy of getting close to humans? I'm that one kind.