it goes on

i never wanted to hide myself or tried to stay fine for the sake of my ego

im simply not good at talking things out 

i feel things and feelings arent made of words they are invisible, fragile and fade.

how do i tell you all about it

is it virgo or is it some of you get emotional, lost and jump yourself into an extremely worse conclusion sometimes? I did it all the time but lately i started to realise it I wish I controlled it but I didnt. I still acted the same. Thousands thoughts still came across my mind after someone did something 'not as good as i assumed' to me or the attitude of a stranger. It got me so tired. The battle of 'be kind' vs 'fuck it' fights every single day; morning until night; whatever situation it is. Maybe i should see the doctor or i simply need a lover. Someone told me if you pass it through all, its gonna be forever, dont give up. But baby it hurts so bad. One more barrier is here, coming near to my face, the emptiness got a little stronger, soul aches a little bit more every time my mind counts it down uncontrollably. Baby, it hurts so much. I might act weird, I might do crazy things, I might leave all because I want to look ok. Baby it hurts. 

turn your fear into energy

x 

AYJL 19th

The night before..

Lights off. He watched me sang birthday song for him. 

Bae, your eyes were talking I can never forget.

He brought me to try out farquhar. We had it with tea because i promised the parents to watch him not to drink and drive. The opera was said served with macaron but it was pretty intimidating (spot the green thing? yup.) I had cod fish and i love the soba and carrot orange soup blaa 

He let me sneaked into his place at 12 the night before.

Were talking on the phone and I made him opened the windows and he came down we were pretty awkward.

kisses on forehead and tight hugs started then.. 

x

&

Andrew Yap, may things all go in your favor starting now and your wish that the gf starts cooking works. We are gonna be fit (you fat), related, connected, love bendi and looked alike always. 

so bae of him

its the first time we went karaoke together today
we chipped in to get a room
we over spent earlier, i mean me...thats y

he acted such a bae today i cant stop smiling
so sweet maybe its the shadow of Jacob
he knew i would do anything for the sake of Jacob~ cz he kissed my forehead to wake me up the other day so much winnnnnnnnnnnnn *blow you lotsa lotsa kisses to the united states* && the first day we met Jacob rejected all the girls who attempted to carry him but he reached out his hands to me wanted to me carry him omgggggggg..
and bae started to speak like how Jacob does all the time to make me go awww

#loveyoujacob #jacobkissedme #jehjehwaitsyouhere

Bel Air

Nothing makes her happy
That struggle rooted deeply into her soul
Such a haunted century
Patience is fading
Searching for the true past self
Wishing things are still the same
Unfortunately, dreams are meant to stay untouchable from here

Exhale, inhale, and exhale, slowly, breathing them, invisible hopes in and out and smile.
What a tough century.

28/02/15

the day after mommy's birthday vacation.. 

6 years, after 6 years finally, finally we got to see them, touch them, eat at the same table and we hugged, some were holding tears ..me too. We have missed you so much. Everything looked good. We tried so hard to take things funny but we all know this is just a part of human weakness. Nothing is fun here, its just another way to go through this part of lost life. I have never accepted 'stay strong' in my life because i accepted weakness as a part of me and i have no idea what the hell is strong we are just human. So much emotions,  so soft and so fragile. All memories brought up hurts so much, I will never forget those tears in her eyes. I always ask myself why did bad things like this happen to us? Why us? then I never got an answer, never. And, I laughed. They dont know.. I cried so much, I blamed so much, I hated so much. I am just an ordinary girl who wishes to trade something to get those things back but the cruelest murderer is greed. 

- - - -You're killing yourself - - - -

x x