Team A

Hopped into a new environment today.
Everything was fine and familiar except those thoughts in my head.

Bringing their wishes here for the best I can be.
Thankful for everything.

I might be one of your cube neighbours that day but y'all are all blessings I can get from the very first adventure I have put myself into.

Whatever happens, happens for the best.

Team A
Always.

Adulthood, I hope not

Never expected my life would turn out this way five years ago, obviously I had not thought about the future (now) at all before that

The 'life' is interesting to me 
Nine to five and bare minimum are observed
Putting myself into commitments that are, regardless which road you're taking, they are unavoidable

Comfort zone, they say
This is the outside of my comfort zone, fyi
Zoom out, we are on the different sides, see that?

We are playing our roles to live this life for the sake of having no options to quit but to survive

Whichever road you're heading, no matter how are you feeling right now, remember to always give more than take, you will be surprised.



May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fear - Nelson Mandela

Monochronic

I’d be lying if I said it didnt kind of break my heart that I never got to tell you how much I loved you. 

It has taken too much strength to walk in the opposite direction of you. Not only you could make my anxiety go away, also you built a beautiful castle I desired.

There’s a terrible distance between us.

It was an enchanting collision after all. We will not meet at the right time and dimension.

It has always been a sense that we would be together at those moments you looked at me in certain way. 

We spoke about how lovers kept finding each others and I believed I have gone through your heart and you have broken into mine. I think you were always meant to know me a little better than anyone else. I can't afford to love someone who I can never kiss on the street. I stayed away from every resistance telling me I’m not allowed to love. 

I stopped having faith in many things then you appeared to sprinkle hopes around me.   

My strong monochronic time sense differed us. 

After all, you are my greatest blessing and the sweetest tragedy ever happened to me. 

I believe a part of me will always be a little in love with you.
x

A part of growing up

Sadly, often the hardest thing to do is the same as the right thing to do

How rational your conscience is to take up the right path without regarding the rest of the noise surrounding you?

I have never made a decision out of total assurance or complete intention (complete loser), maybe one or two

It has always been out of a sense of fear or guilt

To get over this situation and be more firm about every decision you're going to make, accept that your change will make them feel the subtle difference and they will not be happy

It is good to please everyone but it is more important to get your own shit together to please yourself first 

You can only be completely contended and satisfied with everything when you are feeling all right with yourself 

It's gonna take time and sacrifices to get through this process 

At the end of the day, the pain of holding on is worse than the pain of letting go

People simply have to accept how life work and be ahead of it.

When I was seventeen

I rmb reading a book called Thirteenth Summer back in high school
My best friend gave it to me one day while we were on our ride to school
I started loving the smell of a new book ever since then

High school was the greatest time of my life until this moment (wishing for the best is yet to come)
I was cool enough and lucky to hang around only with a few friends but to me, they were the best, or I called whatever's mine the best?
Nothing much impressive despite constantly strolling around to look for cute guys and doing the best in exams to stay cool

Graduation day has finally arrived I did not shed a tear bcs we gotta stay cool
I rmb 2 things about that day.
First, a girl name Jessica, a junior girl who had been after a cute guy who will be graduating on that day. The guy had never glanced at her at all bcs she was the typical chubby girl people had been calling and people laughed at her and belittled her all the time in chasing for a guy.
I was watching her from a distance, she was crying so badly looking at the direction where the guy sitting in the hall. I can't deny my heart was in pain and my tears were rolling.. Maybe she will be the only one who loves him the best all his life but at that point of life, timing can never fit in right

The second thing was a hand-drawing by someone I supposed I knew
I got it in an envelope on my desk when i got back to class after the graduation ceremony
I hid in my room for the whole day, did not have dinner nothing
Thinking about not seeing you again after that
The fear started to overwhelm me and I can't stop crying the whole time

I had not felt that pain after that day
I guess that was what we called youth
or love?
Thank you for coming into my life, even just for a while.
We will be all right, now and always.

star dust

from here, i can see the different colored roofs
from here, i can hear different voices telling different stories
from here, i can see you working hard for the future
from here, i can see you thinking of me
from here, everything seems like tales

Now, I'm here because i can't own you there.
Sometimes i wondered if i could still meet someone like you
They thought they cut off my dreams, they instead made me hold on so much tighter than ever
If dreams were so perfect that they never will turn real, let me stay in those dreams.
Those are my happiness.

My Valentine

 I will always ask him out for a meal soon before he was about to leave for his studies. We had a 5-course-dinner at macalister mansion this time and it was fine. He's back to Brisbane again today. I did not cry(in front of them). Let me hear you clap. It has been a really really difficult ones for me to have gone through the past few months without him by my side. I feel so thankful to have somebody who would accept the crazy side of me and deal with my shit. I have always been a total mess. His patience level must be Asians'. Thank you for everything. I might brag a lot but all those were hormones. Okay lets get greater, stronger and immortal together. Love ya.  

X

Everything lasts till the end

Nothing lasts forever? 
Things decompose, both living and non-.
However, more important things stay. They happen, form, create memories and sink in part of our hearts. They are discrete and incorruptible. None of them has really gone. 

Whatever happened today will turn into memories. Every day is a new opportunity to live, love and make return to your loved ones. Appreciation, compassion, filial piety and gentlemanliness are underrated. Regrets are more than gratitudes. 

How do we fix this?

dreams

you will meet people who wakes up to take down the first snow to show you
you will meet people who thinks of you when they see cute stuffs at the store window 
you will meet people who allows you to talk to them till you drop your phone and fall asleep
you will meet people who can brings out the little girl inside you
you will meet people who makes you feel like you wanna grow old together with
you will meet people who tries to make your dream come true wholeheartedly
maybe, you havent met the person yet
maybe, you missed it
maybe, it is timing
maybe, you need to be braver 

growing up teaches people to be selfish, stay strong or fight for your 'dreams'

admit it
your dreams weren't these dreams .

Another dimension

"One more month ok baby..

I promise to make things clear with her..

I dont care about them 

I just want you 

....for the rest of my life.."

Remember how crazy the love was
how we sneaked out from the windows at 4am 
we didn't sleep we never slept 
we were up all night to talk about stars and dust and things that were unreal 
we skipped school to create memories
we got caught together 
we hid 
we took risk
we played as long as we got along
we laughed for everything and forgot about the world
we exchanged nail polishes 
we shared stuffs
we were different 
we lived for each others' weaknesses
wasnt that the best time of your life?

Did that happen in another dimension?

Why am i stuck here?

Growing up

 What sums up the 21 years i've survived through is that life is pretty interesting. We came to this world that day and we are taught to meet people, a lot of memories are created, feelings and thoughts varied by time, things have been done until this moment...

Me? I have constantly been told to stay family oriented and do the right things for my own sake. I kinda accepted it and began to try and try to become more easy going to follow the flow in some parts of life but sometimes i got distracted by desire, negativity, trend nowadays and the old me. Daddy's saying 'only we have fought through all the bitterness in life and gone through all the downs, what's left will be happiness.'

the waiter told me to make a lot of wishes I closed my eyes and wished for people I love to stay healthy forever, just stay with me. That night was so beautiful but please bear with my greediness I wanted them to come back to celebrate with me, my best friends and lover. I learnt a lot from them, friends always help and inspire me to be better while the boyfriend will always be my second dad. They are the most lovely. Thank you for entering in my life.

21st birthday sounds like a big time. Quite excited for the future, whats next?

...find something that you love and do it every day,

do that for the rest of your life and eventually, the world will change - Macklemore

"i have a theory that i can make my girl more beautiful by being with me." - him

i might not know how, might not know why, but we are beautiful now..

He doesnt leave space for me to overthink at night.
He shares everything with me.
He talks about whats he gonna do for the night.
Then he talks about the next morning schedule.
We dont text much during the day.
We talk about everything before bed.
For the reason of aint-nobody-like-him-kind-of-guy,
I think this guy is cute
I adore him
I love him
and of course,
I miss him.

Thousand miles away,
not only you make her beautiful,
also she's better now, for you.

Indescribable
Irreplaceable
Incorruptible.

x

you worth it

every time we met it felt like the last time.. and its getting stronger the feeling of separation

day by day people come n go sometimes we gotta learn to see who stay for us and be grateful < 3 

you left somebody behind too. its a part of life we can never avoid. being alone is so cool but when someone who's closed to perfect appears and showers you with love and care, that's what a loner had been waited for.

love is so powerful that it makes people cry and smile in seconds. it motivates even lazy ppl to get up for it. it inspired people it changed people and it made people a better ones knowing that they need to stay together with and take care of someone else. it gives people a life, a completed life people have been fighting for, have been eyeing for their future. what's happier than having people you loved around you everyday and making fun of each other, making noises and laughters together and having dinner together?

and there will be someday, someone will make you feel like home.
 


good luck x

To May 2016

Gone through whats written in the post from Its the soul that needs the surgery - pretty hurts by beyonce at college.

I had that written in May 2014. For some reasons, I was reading them old posts words by words and i guess its time to give myself an answer in return to the letter. Except sister has started her cooking class here, the rest of it did not happen i guess.. im graduating in half year time its the happiest thing ever i think i hate school. I study for the sake to get self satisfaction not for the sake to get a cert lol im serious..

and I wasn't in a relationship in 2014 May but yes im now in and its gonna the 'trendy' ldr soon.... that kind of love that brings strong mental and heart connection but not the physical that kind ....

- - - counting down 38 days - - -

[ To May 2016 ]

Graduated after 5 months. Thinking about new room design for the coziest! Came back from aus to visit the boyfriend. Going for work every weekdays and helping out the house as usual. Hearts got fonder and grown up a lil bit bcs im alone now. We gotta wish for the best for our loved one. Doing the right things last. I want us to last. Feeling grateful for such a keeper never stops putting effort to let me know that he needs ..to feed me... hmm and yes, still, I send the family cakes constantly-- to see them all fine.

Started seeing them old friends too,, had some great time and hitting gym has become a big part of my daily routine. Feeling a lil surprised to have stuck with this lifestyle. It's healthy, u know, really... Body, health, soul and mind must be taken care wisely.. for a compassionate life and to reach equanimity. There's a lot more to learn.

Faith x trust + determination

tolerance

Had a sensitive talk with sister during a night drive..

She brought up the word 'tolerance' that i was undeniably threatened by it. I believed most of the unhappiness I ever felt might simply be caused by the fact that i had almost zero knowledge about 'tolerance'.

I took it as the way of my life.  I never felt wrong at all cz they satisfied me most of the time. Things that ever required 'tolerating' will immediately be eliminated.

Now Im feeling sorry because I had never learnt tolerating. I just took up the lesson half an hour ago. Give me some time to practise. I didnt know people could tolerate to smooth things up. Bitter-smiling while writing.. what have i been doing all my life??

After 21 years finally someone who's so much younger than me taught me such lesson called 'tolerance'.

I guess there's still a lot more to catch up with honest people who are willing to educate me more. The real education is priceless. I gotta work things out.

it goes on

i never wanted to hide myself or tried to stay fine for the sake of my ego

im simply not good at talking things out 

i feel things and feelings arent made of words they are invisible, fragile and fade.

how do i tell you all about it

is it virgo or is it some of you get emotional, lost and jump yourself into an extremely worse conclusion sometimes? I did it all the time but lately i started to realise it I wish I controlled it but I didnt. I still acted the same. Thousands thoughts still came across my mind after someone did something 'not as good as i assumed' to me or the attitude of a stranger. It got me so tired. The battle of 'be kind' vs 'fuck it' fights every single day; morning until night; whatever situation it is. Maybe i should see the doctor or i simply need a lover. Someone told me if you pass it through all, its gonna be forever, dont give up. But baby it hurts so bad. One more barrier is here, coming near to my face, the emptiness got a little stronger, soul aches a little bit more every time my mind counts it down uncontrollably. Baby, it hurts so much. I might act weird, I might do crazy things, I might leave all because I want to look ok. Baby it hurts. 

turn your fear into energy

x 

AYJL 19th

The night before..

Lights off. He watched me sang birthday song for him. 

Bae, your eyes were talking I can never forget.

He brought me to try out farquhar. We had it with tea because i promised the parents to watch him not to drink and drive. The opera was said served with macaron but it was pretty intimidating (spot the green thing? yup.) I had cod fish and i love the soba and carrot orange soup blaa 

He let me sneaked into his place at 12 the night before.

Were talking on the phone and I made him opened the windows and he came down we were pretty awkward.

kisses on forehead and tight hugs started then.. 

x

&

Andrew Yap, may things all go in your favor starting now and your wish that the gf starts cooking works. We are gonna be fit (you fat), related, connected, love bendi and looked alike always. 

so bae of him

its the first time we went karaoke together today
we chipped in to get a room
we over spent earlier, i mean me...thats y

he acted such a bae today i cant stop smiling
so sweet maybe its the shadow of Jacob
he knew i would do anything for the sake of Jacob~ cz he kissed my forehead to wake me up the other day so much winnnnnnnnnnnnn *blow you lotsa lotsa kisses to the united states* && the first day we met Jacob rejected all the girls who attempted to carry him but he reached out his hands to me wanted to me carry him omgggggggg..
and bae started to speak like how Jacob does all the time to make me go awww

#loveyoujacob #jacobkissedme #jehjehwaitsyouhere

Bel Air

Nothing makes her happy
That struggle rooted deeply into her soul
Such a haunted century
Patience is fading
Searching for the true past self
Wishing things are still the same
Unfortunately, dreams are meant to stay untouchable from here

Exhale, inhale, and exhale, slowly, breathing them, invisible hopes in and out and smile.
What a tough century.

28/02/15

the day after mommy's birthday vacation.. 

6 years, after 6 years finally, finally we got to see them, touch them, eat at the same table and we hugged, some were holding tears ..me too. We have missed you so much. Everything looked good. We tried so hard to take things funny but we all know this is just a part of human weakness. Nothing is fun here, its just another way to go through this part of lost life. I have never accepted 'stay strong' in my life because i accepted weakness as a part of me and i have no idea what the hell is strong we are just human. So much emotions,  so soft and so fragile. All memories brought up hurts so much, I will never forget those tears in her eyes. I always ask myself why did bad things like this happen to us? Why us? then I never got an answer, never. And, I laughed. They dont know.. I cried so much, I blamed so much, I hated so much. I am just an ordinary girl who wishes to trade something to get those things back but the cruelest murderer is greed. 

- - - -You're killing yourself - - - -

x x